All life has done lately is kick my ass. I know that I’m not alone, but I do pay $96 a year for this website so I’ll complain if I want to. I’ve hit a point in this “journey” where it feels like a sunk cost fallacy. I didn’t come this far to only come this far, or whatever your favorite platitude is would apply here. I’m just so worn down and I don’t know what to do. I know that writing a blog post that 2 people including me will read won’t magically fix the problem but if I don’t let this out I think I might explode. I’m not even going to post this on my socials, this is honestly just a way for me to vent so sit back and sulk with me.
I’ve been doing content now for over two years. In the grand scheme of things it really isn’t that long, but I feel this immense pressure to “make it big” soon. I feel like my opportunity to make this into my career is quickly fading and if I don’t make it happen soon, it never will.
I want to make it clear that I very much love the work that I put out, whether it’s the YouTube videos, these articles, or the short form videos I make. I have never put a piece of content out that I wasn’t proud of. It’s one thing for me to think something is good and another thing for the greater masses to think it’s good. I believe that I’ve worked very hard for the amount of success I’ve seen on my socials and I’m very appreciative of every single follower I have. As someone who struggled with acceptance and self image his entire life, I can’t tell you what it means that over 1000 people thought I was entertaining enough to follow on TikTok, or the 500 people who thought I knew enough ball to hit subscribe on my YouTube. I will be forever grateful to them all and I will never be able to forget them.
I’ve also been very fortunate to be associated, or be mutuals with, a lot of very talented creators in their own right. I need to make it clear that I am their biggest cheerleader now because what I say next may not seem like it. A lot of my peers have seen a lot of success recently where they have a video that goes viral and they gain 1000 followers overnight, or they’re being recognized for their work and being offered employment somewhere, or even something as simple as being noticed by someone in this space who’s “done” it. Again, I am not saying that these people don’t deserve it because believe me, I think they are all incredible and there’s no one on planet Earth that wants their success more then me. I just think that I deserve some of that too.
As I mentioned earlier I’ve struggled with my self image and self worth for my entire life, but I’ve reached a point in making content where I believe that what I’m making is genuinely good work. Is it the best? No. Do I have room to grow and learn? Yes. Is it bad? Fuck no. I believe that I have enough people in my life that would tell me that my work wasn’t good if it wasn’t. Or, at the very least, they would tell me that I should just keep doing this as a hobby and not push so hard to make this a career. I’ve also made a lot of great connections over the past two years with people who are making it in the content creation/basketball space, including some people who I look up to that I now, graciously, get to call my friends.
The reason that this vent session is even happening is that my ego took a hit this week. I recently submitted an application to be a contributor for both a NBA team and a college team on a well known website. I won’t reveal who the publication was, but it’s “well known” for having a reputation of hiring literally anyone. I don’t mean any disrespect when I say this but a VAST majority of their contributors are not as good as I am when it comes to this aspect of the game. It’s bland, it doesn’t have any style, it’s derivative. Again, as the person who hates themselves more than anyone you know, I can sit here and say in good faith that my content is better than a lot of what they have on that website, and I figured I was a shoe-in.
I applied to those two different sections and I waited. And waited. And waited. After 5 days I received two rejection emails in my inbox and I was instantly crushed for all of the reasons that I said above. After a small pity party for myself, I got back on the horse. I honestly think that they made a mistake, or maybe the didn’t look at my work properly, so I went back to apply as a contributor for 5 NBA teams and the college team. Today as I’m writing this I was met with 6 additional rejections emails in my inbox. So in about one weeks time I was rejected 8 different times by the publication that “accepts everyone.”
I still think that they’re wrong, for the record. I just won’t ever apply to work for them ever again. I have friends that are contributors to that website and I will still support their stuff, but that place is dead to me for making me think that I wasn’t good enough.
I put a lot of effort into what I do. I hate my 9-5 so much, and the only joy I really get in my life anymore is when I’m able to be creative. I love making content. I love talking about the game that I love. I love connecting with people and feeling like I’m doing something right. The constant barrage of failure and rejection is getting to me, though. I’ve never said it publicly but I’ve put a countdown on my efforts.
December of this year will be 3 years of making content for me. I’ll be 32 by that time and it’ll be a make or break moment in this journey. Over a year and a half ago now I made it a goal to earn money by making content. I don’t mean make a million dollars, I don’t mean make a living, I mean make one single cent. If I can make one cent from talking about basketball, that will be enough of a reason for me to keep going. That will validate my efforts, in my opinion. All of the countless hours that I put into my YouTube videos that only get 4 views, all of the late nights I pull to write the best articles I can that only 7 people (most of whom are bots) will read, and short form videos I spend so much time editing for it to only get 200 views… if I can make one single penny in the next 10 months, all of that will be worth it.
This is not a cry for help, this isn’t even asking for someone to donate to me. While I would very much appreciate it, I want to earn it. I want someone to notice my hard work and pay me to make a thumbnail, or pay me to contribute to their website, or even pay me to make a video for them. Whatever the case is, if I can see some sort of financial success in this space, I’ll keep going. If I can’t, then I have to face the reality that I’ve been trying to outrun this entire time; that I’m not as good as I think I am, and that I need to give up on this dream.
I also understand (given the world’s political climate) how silly this whole thing is. With all of the war crimes that are committed daily, the Epstein Files, and the actions that ICE are performing on citizens and non-citizens alike with zero repercussions are WAY bigger issues that what I have going on right now. This is my only escape, though. I have to see all of these horrid things all day long and the only time that I have a bit of respite is when I can make content. With how much effort and time I put into this, and the fact that I’m getting older, I just need a break. I just need some light at the end of the tunnel.
Until then, I will push forward. I will still be putting out the amount of content that you may be accustomed to. I just wouldn’t be surprised that if you start to see a decline in my posts come January. I will always love this game, and I will be thankful for all of the memories, friendships, and connections that I’ve been able to make because of it. I just hope that these last 10 months aren’t the end.
Round The Game 
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